Notes From An Inexperienced Chilli Taster named FRANK, who was visiting
Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chilli cook-off... because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they
saw the look on my face.

Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me
on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
****.

Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chilli.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that
300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm
eating.

Chilli # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four
people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I
told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a
pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. **** those rednecks!

Chilli # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chilli # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a ****ing grenade in my mouth, pull the ****ing pin,
and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chilli which slid unnoticed out of my ****ing mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like **** to match my goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too
painful, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it
in through the ****ing 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chilli # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chilli
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chilli, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,
fell and pulled the chilli pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to
make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)