[hoorah]

hahaha :DD

[nabi]

Somewhere in an English village:
A young girl is crying for her mother and tells her:
"Mom, I'm pregnant"
Mother is very shocked and replied:, "I told you : when a guy comes to your breasts, say "DO NOT". When he comes down, then say "STOP"."
Crying loudly, the girl replied: "That's just it, Mom." sniff "He was busy at ..." Sniff " two places at once ... " sniff "so I called: DO NOT STOP - DO NOT STOP!"

[tendriver]

[color=black][b][/color][/font][/b][color=black]A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

[/color][/font][color=black][b]The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."[/color][/font][/b][color=black][/color]
[color=#1f497d][font=Calibri][/color][/font][color=black][/color]

[nabi]

As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer. At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty,chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.

One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not.

"Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. [color=#000000]It was a 420 yard hole in one! [/color]

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied,"Who is he going to tell?"

[nabi]

TheWhy Golf Is Better Than Sex
From David Letterman's Late Night Show

• A below par performance is considered good.
• You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
• You can still make money doing it as a senior.
• It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
• Foursomes are encouraged.
• Three times a day is possible.
• Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
• If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.
• You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
• If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

[nabi]

(Ah golf, a thankful subject)


Jimmy had been playing for twenty years but never had a hole-in-one.

As he was blasting away in a sandtrap one day and he voiced the thought. "I'd give anything to get a hole-in-one."

"Anything?" came a voice from behind. Jimmy turned to see a grinning, red-clad figure with horns and a tail.
"What did you have in mind?" Jimmy asked.
"Would you give up half your sex life?"asked the devilish figure.
"Yes, Yes I would." Jimmy replied.
"It's a deal then." and the figure faded from sight.

On the very next hole he did it!
The ball soared from his club in a perfect arc right into the hole for his first ever hole-in-one. And amazingly, he aced every other hole that he played the rest of the day!

At the end of the round, the figure in red appeared again. "Now for our bargain," he said. "You remember you must give up half your sex life."
Jimmy frowned. "That gives me a bit of a problem," he said.

"You're not backing out of this," cried the figure. "We struck a bargain and you agreed to it."

"Yes, of course. But I do have a problem.Which half of my sex life do you want ... the thinking or the dreaming?"

[cieranc]

Wife - Can I drive?
Husband - No.
Wife - Oh please, I really want to.
Husband - No.
Wife - I tell you what, if you let me drive for just alittle bit, I'll give you a BJ
Husband - Really?
Wife - Promise!
Husband - Oh go on then.









And that, your honour, is the final entry from the black box on the Costa Concordia.

[Fatboyfun]

My vans dashboard from the other day...

[Fatboyfun]

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

'There might be some matches in the top drawer,' she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

'Is this your husband?' he inquired nervously.

'No, silly,' she replied', snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend then?' he asked.

'No, not at all,' she said, nibbling away at his ear.

'Well, who is he then?' demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied...




'That's me before the operation.'

[horsedentist]

Wife sends text to husband at the office ............

"Windows frozen - what should I do?"

Husband - "spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"

Wife a few minutes later - "Done that - now f*****g laptop won't turn on at all"!

User avatar
horsedentist
Double Ton Cat

Posts: 457
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 7:50 pm
Location: Iver

[horsedentist]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, " D o you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifl e with a large telescopic sight."Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!"He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I might be able to save you a grand here..."

[horsedentist]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I
wonder if there was an error in the grade?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the Exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

[nabi]

Modern youth

4004

[gezt]

[Please Register or Login to download file]

for the kids

[nabi]

Man of the year ?

4114