Fun thread

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,two black eyes and a 5-Iron golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks Like yours!' "I don't remember much after that ...."



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Who posts another joke?

No one? Not funny.
Okay, another one:



A woman went to a pet store and saw a large beautiful parrot for sale for only 25 Euros. "I must reveal", the shopkeeper said, "that this bird has been in a brothel, and sometimes uses vulgar language."

The woman thought it was still a bargain, took it home and put the cage in her living room.
The bird looked around the room, then turned to her and said:

"New brothel, new madam!"

The woman was a bit shocked by the insinuation, but found that all in all not that bad.

Her two teenage daughters came home from school.
The bird saw them and said:
"New brothel, new madam, new girls!"

The ladies were a bit offended but then began to laugh. The whole situation was amusing after all.

When her husband came home, the bird looked at him and said:

"Hello Dave'.

Dear Technical Support

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 4.3, Drunkenboysnight 2.5 and Saturdayfootball 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you help me please

Thanks
A troubled customer

REPLY:- Dear Troubled Customer,

This is a very common problem men complain about, but it is mainly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 (or some other version) to Wife 1.0, with the idea that Wife 1.0 is the same as Girlfriend - merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. In fact Wife 1.0 is an "OPERATING SYSTEM" and is designed by its creator to run everything.
It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and revert to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to eventually emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from your system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.
Look in your manual under "WARNING - ALIMONY / CHILD SUPPORT". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF's). You must also assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter command C:\APOLOGIZE.
In any case avoid excessive use of the "esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPF's. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but considered very high maintenance.
Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1, Chocolates 5.0, Jewellery 4.0 or Romanticweekend 1.0.
Do not, under any circumstances, install Shortskirtsecretary 3.3. This is not a supported system for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck,
Tech Support.

Whats worse than a cardboard box?







































Paper tits.

A man and his wife were driving on the motorway when a policeman appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over. The man pulls over, and the officer approaches the car.

Policeman: "License and registration please."
Man: "I'm sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?"
Policeman: "I clocked you on radar doing 75mph."
Man: "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!"
Policeman: "I'm also citing you for having a tail light out."
Man: "But officer, I wasn't aware it was out."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know it's been out for two months."
Policeman: "I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt."
Man: "Listen you dumb *&^^%$, shut your !@#$' mouth!!!"
Policeman: "Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way?
Wife: "Only when he's drunk......."

Good one!


WE WANT MORE ! WE WANT MORE !

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask.'

'Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...

'You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa ?'

A Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his Irish assistant Paddy.,
"I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I don't want to close the clinic.

I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients"
"Yes, sir!" answers Paddy.
The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: "So, Paddy, how was your day?"
Paddy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol."
"Bravo, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Aspirin".
"Excellent. You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor
"Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters
Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the
table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I haven't seen a man!'"
"Good God "says the doctor."What did you do?"
"I put drops in her eyes!"

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.
The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said:

'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by
a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect man (or woman) you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only
be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading...



This is a moral / ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a
job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you
should save her first; or you could take the old friend because she once
saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay her back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up
with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old
friend and let her take the lady to the hospital. I would stay
Behind and wait for the bus with the man/woman of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of
her misery, shag the perfect man/woman against the bus stop and drive off
with the old friend for some beers.

I'll never forget the disappointment I felt, when I realised my wife had cheated on me with five different men in one night.
It completely ruined the w@nk I had anticipated having after downloading 'Bored housewife gang bang volume 4'.

A sexy young girl approached me in the club last night.
"Wanna buy me a few drinks?" she whispered with a wink.
"Of course," I burst out, shooting to the bar.
After she had drunk 5 vodkas within 10 minutes, I gave her a nudge.
"I bet you're the type of girl that uses men to get drunk and gives nothing in return, aren't you?" I asked.
"You've got me all figured out," she smirked.
"Well not tonight!" I replied, waving an empty Rohypnol box in her face.

[color="#9932cc"]A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" and reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land, no questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

(I just love this part....)



"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

[/color]

[color="#9932cc"]After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

'You have no arms !'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

'Bishop, who was this man ?'.

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,

' ................. BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'


WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more


The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.
I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.



'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but....'





(. . . Wait for it ...)




(.. . . It's worth it.. ..)






'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'


[/color]

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