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Wolverhampton Hurricane Appeal.


A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Wolverhampton in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Whitmore Reans. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering [zb] hell.

The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.

Wolverhampton FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Wolverhampton. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White stilettos
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**BREAKING NEWS**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut...
"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Bilston" said the girl, wot's that gotta do wi yow?"

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Wolverhampton - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.

[nabi]

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that is easy to understand.

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, there is a difference.

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.

And when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.

And, remember, when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

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The first person in the paralympics to be banned for drugs happened today

he tested positive for WD40

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brake testing...how not to do it
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[hoaluly]

Oh funny

[Fatboyfun]

Navitotal on Raspberry Pi!

4849

[cieranc]

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then
I could turn the bugger off.

[tendriver]

This shows how often I look at the Fun Thread.

[nabi]

A Golfer's Love Story

[font=&amp]Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise, and Ed fell head over heels for her.[/font]
[font=&amp]When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic.[/font]

[font=&amp]He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket, and ask you a life-changing question,it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are, and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that, for the last five years, I've been a hooker."

Ed replied, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball..."[/font]

[Downunder35m]

Must have been a blonde golfer LOL

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at least she could play with his balls.

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Tampax have announced today that they will replace the string on tampons with tinsel, they said this will be for the christmas period only!

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you undress?
I've often wondered this myself...

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?
My mouth is generally open, in an odd shape..lol

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?
I wouldn't know anything about being an alcoholic...jus sayin

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a **** would you get a ****?


6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?
Wondered this one myself...

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
And often scares the censored out of you...

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Wasn't me...

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
I always wondered this too....lol!!

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.
At the Pearly Gates St Peter says “If any of you are Paedophiles you can pi*s off down to Hell.”
Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out “And take this deaf tw*t with you.”

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RACV van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."Bugger that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 999 and says, "I think my wife is dead." The operator says how do you know? He says, "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5c's and 10c's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.


19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.H



_________________

[Downunder35m]

Merry X-mas to everyone!
Ok, bit early, but better so than too late LOL

I don't really know how many team members are from the land down under, but for all that never been here I collected some australian x-mas songs.
Only the aussi jingle bells is suited for the family, the songs by Kevin Wilson are x-rated
So please enjoy and don't play them during your family dinner LOL
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