new fun thread....

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THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC,
PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYING IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
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That's scary.
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It means 75% are running around untreated

At a job interview.

"What would you say was your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a F*ck what you think."

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.
I'm going to move to Jeopardy, because the news headlines are always saying about there being jobs in Jeopardy.

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To do it the Aussi way in my region:
I went to a garage SALE and saw GARFIELD chasing an OFFICER down the road.
Also stopped at CHRISTIES to buy some HOODS.
Did not meet Homer Simpson, but MOE had a cold beer anyway ;)
Also the old folks were there as I saw the knight IVANHOE in the BLACKWOOD FOREST,
seemed he was chasing a COCKATOO flying off with an EMERALD.
Later we cought some trout in a LITTLE RIVER with LOVELY BANKS.
On the way home we stooped at a nice RESERVOIR and enjoyed the SUNSHINE, dinner was served in a great MANOR belonging to LARA.

On behalf of Channel 4, may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show. Also the charming photograph you enclosed. Whilst agreeing she could make a worthy contribution to the programme if selected, I would point out that the correct title of the series is actually 'Fact Hunt'!

People should lay off Lance Armstrong I think what he achieved was amazing... When I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike!

After seeing the Swansea ball boy keep possession of the ball for more than 10 seconds, Aston Villa have made a bid of £20 million for him.

My slow witted mate got sacked from his job at B&Q for knocking out an African woman. I think he needed more training when instructed to.. 'go and find a Black and Decker'!!

Just watched the Lance Armstrong interview. He lied to us so much and for so long I'm starting to doubt he landed on the moon at all.

The Government has passed a new bill in parliament. Now gay men looking for a partner are entitled to more money, its called the 'Knobseekers allowance'!

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off. I said, 'son that's three schools this year, maybe teaching isn't for you'!

Bradford city have announced that cup final ticket prices will start at 60 Rupees each and are limited to 40 per household.

After the horse-meat scare an old Irish Lady called Tesco's customer services and complained her Risotto has gorilla in it. The matter was quickly resolved when the assistant explained the photo on the box was Ainsley Harriot.

I called in sick today and told the manager.. 'the doctor says I have anal blindness'. 'What is that he asked', I said I can't see my ass coming into work today.

I'm starting to take this drink driving thing seriously now . Left the car in the pub car-park last night & took the bus home. Quite proud of myself really I've never driven a bus before.

My mate Paddy rang me and said he's just got this bargain coat from 'House of Frazer'. Originally it was £400 but he got it for just £25. He said it was supposed to be slightly imperfect but he's had a look all over and the only thing he can find is one sleeve slightly longer than the other two!

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From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad."

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....



'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot'.

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

'Incredible'he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.



'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'

'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.....

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'

The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'

'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman

(Wait for it............scroll down.)



'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

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Yesterday, my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time .
Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favourite topic of conversation ..
She was "only thinking of me ," and suggested I go down to the over 60's club and have a chat with the guys ..
I did this , and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business .
I told her that I had joined a parachute club ..
She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 79 years old , and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes ?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card ..
She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses ! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club , not a Parachute Club .."
"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week," I told her. She fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier , but sometimes it can be fun !